It was October 5th 2019 when we welcomed our amazing little girl that totally came to rock our world, in the entire sense of the word. I had taken every newborn class, read every pin, blog, post, or book that I came across and from the moment she came into our lives I felt so prepared, so ready for it, I was like “I got this”… and guess what? I quickly realized I wasn’t even close to ready. Such an unstable feeling to have when the life of a child depends on you huh?
With family far away and not around to lend that support first-time moms need so much, with Ella being born in the gloomy winter days of the Wisconsin weather, I rapidly felt the messy postpartum hormones kick in, it sure was not the blues they tell you about, it was something else.
Breastfeeding was tough for me, and I couldn’t keep up with Ella’s feeding demands and she lost more than the expected weight quickly.
Also, our little bundle of joy was beyond a noisy sleeper, we noticed one day that it was as if she was gasping for air, however, she was still sleeping tho. Her pediatrician recommended we see a specialist who later diagnosed her with Laryngomalacia, literally it means that the tissue on her larynx was so soft that every time she would breathe in she would make a whistling like sound. Before we knew what it was, for a first-time parent, that was a terrifying sound.
To all this, now add the normal, yet terrible, lack of sleep we all have to endure during the first months of parenthood.
It was then when my husband had to go back to work, and being someone not used to being alone at home, I felt lonely, and even tho I had in my arms the most precious blessing in the world, I fell into the downwards spiral of “Post Partum Anxiety”.
Don’t get me wrong, I had a great support group, with friends I had made in our town over the years, every now and then one would come and visit and watched Ella for a few hours, while my husband was at work so I could, shower, eat and maybe squeeze in a quick nap. But then….just when the winter was coming to an end and the sunny days were finally upon us in the frozen tundra, Covid happened, and now we had even less contact with the outside world.
I tried pretending nothing was going on and that I had control of my feelings, pushing them deep deep down, that only made it worse, I felt that constant pain in the pit of my stomach of not knowing what to do or when, I felt paralyzed, frozen by a constant fear inside me. Knowing that these were supposed to be the “Happies days of my life as a first-time mom” made me only feel guilty about something I didn’t even know how to fix, like I was some sort of terrible person, or even worse… a terrible mom.
I felt bad admitting these feelings to my husband so I broke down one day and called my sister in law, who I heard went through this after having her baby, relying on someone that went through this, and reassure me that I was not a terrible mom, that I was human, that I couldn’t control this by myself but that I had to let my Dr know so I could get some help changed everything!
It was like the fog was lifted from my life! I started taking small steps towards my self-care, going on small walks, doing yoga at home again, some meditation before bedtime, listening to a great podcast while the little one napped, even putting on makeup just to be at home made a change.
So go ahead and take that first step too! Don’t be afraid to reach out for help. Put aside the feeling of shame when you can’t control the postpartum hormones and put on that oxygen mask before you can help others. You can’t be there for your baby if you are not there for yourself.
To be honest, it wasn’t until Ella was about 10 months old that I started feeling totally better, I was then able to enjoy without fear that blessing that came to rock our world!
